The words snapped me out of my laser stare at the vast ocean as the waves crashed with a slap and the wind cooled the heatwave temperature.
I was under my wide-brim straw hat when a voice bellowed, “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
The words were such a direct contrast to the absentmindedness of losing myself in relief from the heat—melting into the oneness of sand, salt air, and water.
My initial thought was, Oh my God, I used to say that all the time and never realized how victimizing a statement it was.
It shocked me into a shift in awareness, as if something had crossed a threshold between the waves and come back changed.
“I’ll be damned” is a scarcity mindset to the tenth power, and I was guilty of using those words along with “no good deed goes unpunished.”
I quickly jotted my thoughts into my beach journal and paused in a reflective moment, trying to remember the last time I had used that phrase and how I was feeling then. It felt like a lifetime ago. I was a totally different woman.
I felt compassion for myself—for how much unacknowledged pain I must have been carrying, and for the early programming that had me wearing “damned” glasses when it came to doing or not doing.
Simply, wow.
I glanced at the young pregnant mother with two boys under five playing at the water’s edge and felt such compassion for her.
Doing her best.
Staying close to her boys.
Moving where they wanted to go.
And following them back again.
“Damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t” seemed to echo her frustration—and perhaps her exhaustion.
The ultimate lose-lose situation: a no-win scenario where a person can be blamed or judged no matter what she does. Sociologists and psychologists note that women disproportionately experience this phenomenon—often called a “double bind”—more intensely than men, due to deeply ingrained cultural stereotypes and contradictory societal expectations. No matter which path they choose, they risk social or professional penalties.
Is this part of our DNA, or something we simply inherit and carry forward? Do we move through this ingrained sense as we spiral upward within ourselves?
This juxtaposition—calm to “damned,” while held by such vast ocean beauty—was both startling and healing.
Somewhere along the way, in surviving and embodying the feminine warrior goddess within me, I no longer hold that “damning” of women.
We are not damned to do or not do. That is the old energy, even though it doesn’t feel that way sometimes.
We are blessed if we do and blessed if we don’t do.
If you found yourself nodding along while reading this, you’re probably not the only one.
Many of the women I work with are holding more than anyone realizes—navigating change, grief, uncertainty, and life’s unexpected transitions.
I offer 1:1 intuitive wellness coaching sessions designed to help you reconnect with yourself and move forward with greater ease and self-compassion.
I work a little differently than many coaches. There are no packages to buy, no long-term commitments, and no pressure to sign up for more than you need. If you’re looking for a little extra support, we simply schedule a conversation and go from there.
Reach out anytime: kristen@kristendarcy.com ❤️
