Milestones after trauma and loss can trigger emotional healing even when it doesn’t feel that way. Emotional releases present themselves in so many different ways and the ability to receive the “energy of release” is a process and understanding
That second Sunday in May after a miscarriage, death or divorce can be excruciating. Here are some insights and tips for approaching Mother’s Day after loss, trauma and separations.
1st Mother’s day after your mom passed
This is one of those moments in time when you are bracing for this day and might wonder how you’ll get through it.
Perhaps the rawness of losing your mom is still palabale. You’re thinking how the hell am I going to make it through this day?
Here’s what my sister and I decided to do. We created a new ritual around Mother’s Day.
We meet each Mother’s Day since my mom’s abrupt gut wrenching passing. We knew we had to be together to make it through the day and were torn as to how to honor us during this day and make it okay?
So we met at the outlet mall which was basically half way travel distance between us.
This became our ritual. We created a new ritual and it’s not easy at first; but for us it is a knowing that in the uncertainty of losing our mother, we will be doing this on Mother’s Day. In reality, it is the only day I have with my sister with me alone. We live apart, and I cherish the time with her. I know my mom would be her happiest that we are together. Together differently but together.
Think about creating a new ritual, as uncomfortable as it might be. And focus on your mom’s memories and creating new ones with her spirit included.
1st Mother’s day after a miscarriage or pregnancy loss
The Mother’s Day after my ectopic pregnancy was a day that all hell broke loose for my emotional health.
That entire year I opted out of celebrating holidays. I lost the baby the day before Thanksgiving and was in the hospital on Thanksgiving. Christmas I didn’t decorate or celebrate. New Years came and went…. But Mother’s Day I just let it all come out.
Grief is a strong emotion and important.
What I learned about grief is that there is an energy of release that happens and that energy of release is what we over-judge in ourselves.
Eckhart Tolle shared a story where the main person uses this line of non judgement: “Is that so?”
When the deep seated grief emotions rise up for healing, because that is what’s happening – you are healing the loss of a loved one – remember to question “Is that so?” and ask it in loving self kindness.
1st Mother’s Day after divorce
This was another toughie. The first Mother’s Day after my divorce was so upsetting because I witness the worry of my children. My divorce was very high conflict, and it remains that way today, and on that May 12th my children were worried that they would not get a gift for me.
I witnessed their upset and wasn’t sure about the emotions behind it until my daughter let it seep out. She was concerned because there was no one to take her to get me a gift. Reassuring her that she and her brother was my gifts didn’t seem to relieve the anxiety. So I did what every woman who has an older sister would do, I told her and she went and mailed gifts for me to my children that she had purchased. Later on when my son started to drive, this pressure was off my sister.
I’m a big gift giver but not a great receiver, so it was surprising to me that this was their concern.
Lives for post-divorce children are filled with new normal moments and celebrating Mother’s Day triggered a issue for them which brought some emotional healing.
Suggestions: Try keeping this in mind… Is there a third party that can help your children get ready for Mother’s Day? Or perhaps have craft items handy so they can create a card or handmade item to give you. I purchased coloring mugs for them to decorate for me.
That first Mother’s Day was a moment of grieving that the story or dream of the happily-ever-after had changed and that the blessing of my son and daughter through that union will be my pride and joy for eternity.
Healing around celebrations
It is a practice of learning to accept the energy of grief and the energy of releasing that grief. Learning how not to recoil from the emotional trauma of infertility, divorce and mothering is a practice and contains the cha cha dance of three steps forward and possibly 2 step back for regression, but you are making healing progress through awareness.
