What if the past wasn’t something to get over—but something to grow from, with compassion?
In my recent The Ugly Side of Change conversation with Dr. Tara Cousineau, author of her new book The Perfectionist’s Dilemma: Learn the Art of Self-Compassion and Become a Happy Achiever and clinical psychologist at Harvard, we explored how women often carry the weight of “not knowing what we didn’t know” — and how that realization can become a path to healing.
Dr. Tara calls it “kind-sight” — the ability to look back on your life experiences with tenderness, understanding, and grace.
As she beautifully put it:
“We don’t know what we don’t know… until we know it.”
That moment of awakening can feel both humbling and illuminating. It’s not just hindsight — it’s kind-sight. A conscious choice to view your younger self not with judgment, but with empathy. To recognize that you were doing your best with what you had at the time.
Dr. Tara reminded me — and all of us — that life is messy. It always will be. But if we can stay with the mess, allow ourselves to be compassionate within it, something softens. Something shifts.
From her lens as both a spiritual seeker and a neuroscience geek (her words, and I adore that blend), she explained how our brains naturally want to predict, control, and protect. The more we focus on fear, regret, or the “I’m not good enough” loops, the stronger those neural pathways grow.
“We see what we believe,” she shared.
“The more we focus on something, the more we strengthen those neural networks.”
So what does that mean for us, especially during times of personal change or challenge?
It means we get to choose what we want to grow. If we want more love, more forgiveness, more courage — we have to place our attention there.
That sacred pause, the moment of mindfulness where we ask:
“What do I want to grow more of in my life?”
—that’s where the shift begins.
Because yes, the past may be full of tangled roots and unexpected turns. But kind-sight offers a gentler way to hold it all.
To stop blaming your former self. To stop watering the weeds of self-doubt. And to start tending to the garden of who you are becoming.
This is what healing can look like:
Messy. Compassionate. Neurobiologically supported. And full of kindness toward the one person who needs it most—you.
✨ Want to watch the full conversation with Dr. Tara Cousineau [Click here to view on YouTube.]
You might want to read the Art of The Pause an oldie but goodie Sparkle Up Blog Post
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