My Struggle with Infertility

By Tracey

Going through infertility can be such a lonely, sad experience. It seems that everyone around you is moving forward creating perfect little families and you are left behind.

When my husband and I decided to start a family, I assumed it would happen quickly. I was in my late twenties so why not? I didn’t know anyone else that had struggled with infertility. Instead month after month I was not pregnant and all my friends were expecting their first child. I hate to admit it, but I struggled to be happy for all of them. I had a smile on my face but inside I was a mess with jealousy and sadness.

I had all the tests and my diagnosis was unexplained infertility. It was so discouraging. How do you treat a problem you don’t even know exists I began to have trouble sleeping, suffered from high levels of anxiety and negative thoughts. I couldn’t think about anything else but trying to have a baby.

Things got so much better for me when I took a suggestion to participate in a mind, body class for infertility. Here I met women just like me going through the pains of infertility. I could breathe again. When I was having a bad day, I had women I could talk to that new exactly what I was going through. And I learned the power of meditation and breathing exercises to calm myself down.

It was during this time that I suffered my second miscarriage. I was so tired of the doctor appointments, medicines, ultrasounds and the waiting game of knowing if I was pregnant or not. I wanted to take back control of my life. I decided I wanted to learn about adoption. I was scared of the unknown but I started to realize that I didn’t need to give birth to my child…I just wanted a child to love and to be a mom!

My husband was a little nervous at first. After all, we have all heard the horror stories of people waiting for years to adopt and then to have a birthmother decide she wants her baby back. But after an informational meeting with an adoption attorney we felt so much better.

We learned that in a domestic adoption (adopting within the US) you can adopt a newborn baby and minimize your risk by working with a reputable adoption attorney or agency. Specifically one that works in only those states with favorable adoption laws. For example, some states only allow the birthmother to change her mind within 48 hours of relinquishing rights where others allow up to six months.

Once we decided to move forward I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to get started with the process and get closer to starting our family. Within 3 months our home study was complete and within 5 more months I was holding my beautiful baby girl. I still can’t believe it all happened that quickly. She was the miracle we were waiting for. .. the answer to our prayers.

I did go on to have another miscarriage when Lily was 11 months old and we were heartbroken. I am an only child and desperately wanted Lily to have a sibling. When we were waiting to adopt our second child, I got pregnant for the fourth time. It was completely unexpected as we had given up on a healthy pregnancy. This time it stuck and although I was a nervous wreck my entire pregnancy, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who we named Hope.

Now I honestly feel like everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t gone through infertility then I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter, Lily. And now I have two miracles for different reasons. If I could go back in time I would tell myself not to be so worried, take a deep breath and know that one way or another it will all work out.

(Originally Published September 2, 2013)