On My Due Date

It’s been 7 months since my miscarriage, and my due date should have been today. On January 4, what should have been my first day back at work after the holidays, I found out the baby no longer had a heartbeat and that I was miscarrying. The dating, based on the size of the baby, also showed that he or she had stopped growing and most likely died on Christmas Eve. The loss was devastating, I only told close family and friends. For weeks I cried while in the car, at work, at the gym, pretty much everywhere. Until it happens to you, you don’t realize how life altering it is and how this tiny baby that is the size of a grape or so, that you never met or held, meant so incredibly much to you.

So to all the ladies who are going through it now I want you to know that I know what it’s like, I have felt the pain, I have cried the tears, I have wondered what I did wrong or what I could have changed, I have raged, and I have soldiered on. I am here for you if you want to talk and I know with 100% certainty that although your pregnancy may not have resulted in a live birth that you are still a mom.

I am now almost 6 months pregnant and am incredibly lucky to be doing as well as I am this time. But there is always that little voice saying “this could end at any moment.” Every time I go to the bathroom I check for blood, every time the baby doesn’t kick for a while I wonder. It’s one of the hardest parts about having had a miscarriage and one that no one talks about.

It’s amazing to me how frequently miscarriages happen and yet how infrequently it is talked about. It is nothing to be ashamed of and something that I think would be very difficult to get through without a village. So if you are here it’s probably because you have found yourself joining the sad club that is parents who have had a miscarriage or stillbirth, please know that you are in good company and that I am happy to be your village if you need one.

Kathy

This article first appeared on http://www.throughtheheart.org/wordpress/