The other day I just lost it. When I say I lost it, I mean I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom and just sobbed.
Have you ever done that?
The outpouring came out of nowhere and I couldn’t stop it. With the ceiling fan on the highest setting so I wouldn’t be heard, I sobbed, wiped, sniffed and let it all loose.
I emotionally hit the wall and crumbled.
I’ve been running, running and running 24/7 to create a home, to continue my work dedicated to service, to be in relationships with my family, friends and to complete everything else I DO! I was depleted, sad and feeling a bit discouraged. Then the tears poured out like a faucet.
The past few years have been so much about shifting, twisting and turning, which included the ending of my 17-year marriage. Then I needed all my energy to proceed intently on maintaining stability for my family while dealing with the court system during a high- conflict divorce (I mean off the charts high-conflict divorce). Then my mom’s pancreatic cancer was diagnosed. Don’t think it didn’t cross my mind that she walked through this toxic divorce with me and then got ill. My mom passed 12 weeks after her diagnosis.
All of this was followed by my ex placing a contempt citation on me during the week of my mother’s funeral. He said I was impeding his parenting time. This is the type of person my family is dealing with but that’s a whole other blog.
Then the pieces came together during my crying fix, including the realization that it was the anniversary of the weekend when I found out my mom was so sick. I cracked, broke open. and sobbed. Missing her was heartbreaking.
Really, I thought, sitting on the clean and cold toilet lid having a crying day. Having an emotional release and letting it go was a challenge because I was simultaneously judging myself. Yup, I was the cobbler with a hole in her shoes, momentarily slipping from what I preach.
But out it poured. I cried on the toilet, while driving my daughter to her friend’s birthday party, during grocery shopping and watching the Patriots Game. Thank goodness for sunglasses. The crying continued while I was driving golf balls at the range with my children, but, once again, thank goodness for sunglasses. Then I was done. Cried out.
The tears of doubt poured out and my deep faith swelled. Thank God for deep faith. The faith that allows you to jump into the abyss when you want to run like hell in the other direction. The deep faith that knows God Almighty has your back at the moment of brokenness.
Relying on deep faith is cultivated as a practice based on knowing your support is always there.
That day, my children watched and bore witness to my sorrowful breakdown, as they have watched me witness their sorrowful moments upon returning from their father’s visitation time when the transition between their two worlds collide. “Their father’s way” is released upon entering my way of creating in the world.
In my marriage when their father would re-enter traumatically into our orbit, I would say out loud: “Houston, we have a problem: difficult re-entry!”
And this Sunday, it was as if the speaker was on the loudest setting!
“Houston we do have a problem here! Mom has hit the tear button and it’s stuck!”
How do you work to create in pure faith, in the pure potential of creation, when there is an emotional charge of doubt?
Just as my beloved Patriots’ games are reviewed by the sports commentators, the post crying fit phase calls for tender care during the review! Oh yah, make sure to include reviewing over and over all that you have done with style and grace during your ordeals of growth!
Tender care. What does that mean to you? For me it was a yoga class and a bedtime of 6:30pm! Sleeping straight through to 6:30 am. Sleep heals all things.
Then when you’re back on emotional stable ground, review your creation intention and your actions and realize your faith is in motion.
Let faith’s motion take its course and know that after the crying spell what you planted in faith is growing! So don’t dig it up in that moment. Not within the dirtiness of the emotional let go, release and then feel the faith of knowing all is well.