When things get ugly

I love Jennifer Garner, for her “fake” cooking show on Instagram, her acting, her light, her openness and niceness. Recently I read an article in The Hollywood Reporter in which she spoke very publicly about her divorce. She was asked about something she told Vanity Fair in 2016 where she said she had “lost the dream of dancing with [her] husband at [her] daughter’s wedding.”

She went on to say that she no longer feels the same way, and that she feels she will share a dance with her ex-husband when her kids get married.

So three years after sharing that she had lost her dream of her intact marriage celebrating their children together, she now feels that “When our kids get married, we’ll dance, I know that now.”

Reading her article left me with hopefulness for others but concern for those who are experiencing the long never-ending high conflict and ugliness.

When you’re confronted with a divorce, there is an organic process of grieving what you thought your life would look like in the current moment and in the future.

We have all probably heard and can recite the stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I couldn’t help but question what stage Ms. Garner was at when she made that statement.

Perhaps when Ms. Garner gave that interview in 2016 she was struggling with anger or depression about the ending of her marriage. Or maybe she had come to accept that she didn’t see how she would be living that dream of dancing with her ex-husband at her kids’ weddings.

Either way, when things END UGLY and stay UGLY the constant rapid cycling within the grief cycle needs to be heard and brought clearly into awareness.

When things end ugly and stay ugly and high conflict, the acceptance stage of the grief cycle is the most powerful. Accepting that there will be conflict, that it will not end soon and the only certain thing is that you don’t know how or when it will show up. Believe you me, THERE WILL BE CONFLICT AND UGLINESS.

Ugliness presented as projection.

Ugliness presented as down right lies.

Ugliness presented as a double binding compromise (all in their favor).

Ugliness presented by Flying Monkeys (their minions).

Ugliness presented by slander (lots and lots of slander, terrible shade).

Ugliness presented solely and foremost as the only intention of your ex!

Regardless of what you do.

Regardless of what you don’t do .

Regardless of how you mother.

Regardless of the truth!

It will be spun to the point that the “establishment” will believe their ugliness and you can count on it. (Trigger warning)

The only way that you can combat this is to get clear on what you will accept and how you will react to the never-ending ugliness.

That’s your superpower. And in my humble opinion the only way to overcome the HIGH LEVEL OF THE UGLINESS (aka hatred) thrown at you is to be true to you.

Because at the end of the day it is your decision to participate in the UGLINESS or not! Hold steadfast to your center and remain grounded….

You are so powerful!

With love,

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