(How the narcissist keeps you believing…)
Once upon a time there was a girl, a very successful, organized, loving and empathic girl.
She fell for a guy! Swoon!
He had a bit of a hard luck story and her gentle heart opened and believed in his story and in him.
She helped, listened and gave and gave. And each time he was suppose to (Fill in the blank) he didn’t. He failed her repeatedly, over and over again. But that hard luck story was the alibi. (Big Victim)
So she bought the EXCUSES. She hung on to the FALSE commitment and BELIEVED in him. She BELIEVED HIM and the story he SPUN!
Why wouldn’t she?
She didn’t lie.
She didn’t cheat.
She didn’t and won’t steal.
She didn’t connive.
She is truthful.
She is loving.
She is loyal (oh, of all that she is, this is the trait that he looked for and took advantage of).
She is a straight shooter.
But he lied.
And lied again.
He lied so often you would have thought he would need medical treatment because his pants were on fire and singed to his bottom.
But she stayed true to him and their “commitment” to each other. And each and every time it was going to happen, the promise (aka the carrot or the hook) was so close she could visualize the promised land. Whatever the promise was, perhaps that he would be home for an extended period, that he would take dance classes with her, or that he would (Fill in the blank), the goal line would be moved.
The goal line (aka the promise) would be pushed back, 100 yards or so, just in sight and in reach. Almost there! She could almost touch it, see it or feel it.
He would take only two dance classes and then stop, keeping her hooked. Some crisis or another took him away, abruptly… And she understood.
But what was really happening, SHE was buying TWO lies.
Lie # 1: The one he was selling and telling!
Lie # 2: The one she was telling herself!
That’s the damage & danger!
And that is the Abuse Cycle!
The co-dependent part of the narcissistic crazy making relationship, aka the Abuse Cycle, is that the co-dependent partner doubts herself (or himself) and lives for the addictive part. That is the HOOK (false reality and belief). UGH!!
The HOOK works until YOU can’t work it anymore.
The HOOK works UNTIL the BIG UNTIL!
You can’t deny HIS Lie.
You can’t deny the lie to YOURSELF.
The fog of denial begins to dissipate and the slim glimpses of the narc’s false identify show more and more. Like watching the old time television when the snowy screen clears and the black and white picture is grainy but visible!
You find yourself in a BOX.
You’re boxed in and become aware of all the sides of the box.
The box with a taped label notifying you that you’re in the “Cycle of Abuse”
The top of the box label is idealized:
Idealize: Of course I want to be with you and what do you want to do? You always wanted to take dance lessons… let’s do that! I signed us up! I love you so much, without you I’d be nothing.
On the top of the box is the first portion of the cycle.
THEN The side of Tension!
Tension Is Building: You bring up something saying
“You promised we would have a date night each week and take dancing lessons and we have gone to only 2 and you’re away again.”
Yikes! The box is getting smaller now…
The next side of the box the incident.
Verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Anger, Blaming, Arguing, Intimidation and Threats.
The narc uses guilt when he says something like,
“We need this big gig, baby, to keep the money coming in”.
Inside you might be rationalizing. After all you gave up your home, your family and career to follow his dream. You don’t work anymore and you don’t have any income. You feel like you’re a burden and the stress of the household is solely on the narc’s shoulders. (This was really isolation and dependency for control purpose)
Under THE current contract the narc is planting a seed. His underlying meaning is “you don’t appreciate me and you want us to spend money on dance classes now!”
Now you begin questioning your needs. You question all of your emotional needs and healthy boundaries around your side of the relationship.
Maybe you DO put too much burden on him, you wonder. You’re not bringing in any money, that is a fact but it was the agreement. You shouldn’t want to be the priority now, when this blank, blank ship comes in he’ll do blank, blank, blank. (You question your worth and value.)
Devalue: In a healthy relationship having dates and alone time with your partner are ways of keeping the lines of communication and relationship connection. Having a voice and say in decision making is balance and respect.
But with a Narc, there is a system of over-commit and under-deliver. Over-promising with no intention of following through to keep you hooked. And then you question why you would burden them with your needs and desires! (Think of fishing with a big hook! That’s what they do.)
All the while the Narc has a secret. A nasty little secret… he’s empty inside and to fill that emptiness he has a secret stash of supply… the sugar-mama on the side, the emotional sugar mama, the ‘OTHERNESS’ that you have absolutely NO CLUE about!!! Part of the crazy-making abuse cycle is that you’re in the narc zone of craziness and you’re not dealing or knowing the entire goings on. You make assumptions and plans and judgments on a thin slice of the crazy reality that is your life with the NARC.
Last Side of the box: The side is Reconciliation.
The narc will sense you and read you and know what has to happen to keep you engaged. He wants to keep you on unstable ground and hooked in the cycle. He has the skills to read you and the situation but use it for the “dark side.”
This reconciliation is key to the whole box standing up right! Like a towering prison.
The excuse, the apology, the long lengthy love letter containing the mea culpa. The profession of love, reassurance that he would do anything for you! After all, look at what he has done so far for YOU! Aka justification, gaslighting, manipulation and more!
The Gaslighting: Making you doubt yourself and your accurate read on reality!!!
It wasn’t what you thought. It wasn’t as bad as you thought. I have never done this before. It did not happen that way. The Narc is telling you his version of the story with force and direct assurance to make you question yours.
You should seek counseling. You should call your friends you think, but there is the unstated agreement of silence. Or perhaps you believe “What happens in this house stays in this house”.
The reconciliation is the conscious part of the cycle in keeping you on unsteady ground and in a state of “deer in the headlights.”
Questioning – did that just happen?
The victim aka SHE believes the lie! Once AGAIN!
She hands over her ticket aka self worth and purchases the shit show hook, line and sinker!
The last side of the cycle of abuse is the honeymoon stage!
You’re in love, you’re in joy (false joy) and Life is as you dreamed. You bought into the false reality of the Narc and you slip a bit further into emptiness of self.
But here’s the thing!
It won’t last and you’ll find that box getting smaller and smaller until you can’t be in it anymore and then it will all break down!
It will break open and healing will happen and you’ll regain your strength and fortitude. Life will be real again and you’ll move forward.
How, you might be asking?
Either the Narc will discard you, throw you on the pile of boxes he has left behind, and don’t kid yourself they probably already have! Because they can’t BE! BE TRUE OR REAL.
Or more likely, you’ll come to your breaking point and the inner whispering OF YOUR TRUTH will become so loud you’re snapped out of the falsehood.
The DISCARDING will trigger the Narc to hoover and try to get you back because his worst fear is he will be “outed to the world” or “abandoned.”
BEWARE!!!! Because then all hell will break lose!
How To Stop Buying the Lie!
You’re aware now!
You see things as they are!
You’re remembering your power!
You’ll be fine!
Ignore the temper tantrums!
Use Mantras! (All Is Well!)
Take appropriate steps to protect you and your children.
Don’t listen to the rhetoric.
Go Gray rock ~ responses without emotions.
Go No Contact!
Take care of you!
Take care of you some more!
You might fall down again…. Or back to him again (relapse) it happens.
Then course correct, again and again if needed.
Find your tribe.
Find your posse.
Because the people around you probable have seen it long before you! They know!
Do one nurturing item per day.
Make a gratitude list each day.
Set your intention daily.
Learn about you.
Learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Feel your feelings!
Move through the suck.
You’re not alone.
You’re right .
You’re on the road to recovery.