How to Flirt With Your Spouse

Guest blog by Ande Lyons

andelyonssmall2Has your relationship slipped into a rut? Would you like to spice things up but don’t know where to begin?

I recently read “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel, where she explains how increasing intimacy does not always lead to great sex. In fact, she says “too much closeness impedes desire,” that eroticism needs risk and uncertainty, not predictability.

If we really want to enjoy the pleasures of hot sex in intimate but otherwise “captive” and predictable relationships, and who doesn’t… then we need to find effective ways to safely and easily create sexual intrigue and uncertainty. Enter those proven stimulants of eroticism and sexual desire… flirting and fantasy. Simply put – great flirting and fantasy lead to great sex!

To support your personal program of flirtation and fantasy, I’ve suggested seven techniques for flirting with your mate (see below). Keep in mind that the best flirting isn’t just about being loving and affectionate. It’s about using your and your partner’s sexual history and preferences to fire up sexual imagination… in ways that stimulate specific erotic memories and possibilities.

Here are seven great tips to flirt with your spouse:

Body language

Smiling at your husband or wife is the most basic act of flirting. Showing that you genuinely enjoy being with him makes a man feel good! Facial expressions, from a coy smile to a playful wink… tell him you want him. When my husband winks at me, I still get all girly over it. I don’t know what happened to winking, but you guys need to use this handy tool. It works every time!

The “secret” touch 

A surreptitious touch is a great way to make her heart beat faster. Instead of draping your arm around your wife’s shoulders at a party, try tracing a fingertip up and down her spine. To make your secret touch more effective, avoid eye contact. Just keep talking to company or whatever it is you’re doing. While you’re playing it cool… her temperature will be rising.

Hidden message

Remember the fun you once had prepping for that ‘special date’ by buying new lingerie and getting a Brazilian wax? That kind of seduction is just so much fun! So why give it up? Give him a special surprise… wear hot lingerie under your business suit… and give him a little peak when you meet for a drink at a cool downtown bar. Message received… hot night tonight!

Seal with a kiss 

As psychologists tell us, men are highly visual, so why not give him a ‘personalized image’ to think about? On a small white card, plant a lipstick kiss in a hot color, and sprinkle a drop or two or perfume on the card. Now write: “These lips are yours, wherever you want them.” Tuck that hot little card in his suit pocket when he isn’t looking and send him a text later that day to ask if he’s found your note. Caution: you just lit his fuse. The explosion will come later…

Directions please 

Another clever text to send during the day: “Sweetheart, I bought a new appliance last week and the directions are confusing. I know you’re mechanically inclined… maybe you can help? It’s cylindrical in shape and appears to have energy storage as well. The directions say that it vibrates… rapidly… I’m not exactly sure why, or how it works. Can you please show me?”

Remember that time?

Remember that drawn out groan… and the smile on his face? Or was it the other way around? Either way, you can bet he never forgot that peak moment. Whisper a little reminder of that seminal moment to let him know what’s on your mind. All you need to say is: “I’d love to do that again,” or ”let’s try that again”… and you’ve set the stage for another peak performance!

Compliment him

Sure, he knows you find him attractive; but when was the last time you complimented his sexy arms or marveled at the way he kisses or the way he holds you? Give him an unexpected compliment and watch his manly mood inflate. His mood won’t be the only thing that rises.


Flirting is even more important in long-term relationships than new ones. Without flirting, affectionate touches, and playful teasing… couples risk losing the spark and passion that separates romantic sexual partners from ordinary platonic friends.

© 2013 Ande Lyons – Bring Back Desire LLC

Ande Lyons
Ande Lyons is certainly familiar with the cry of ‘someone stole my sex drive!’ She and her husband have been loving each other for 27 years and, after navigating ALL the turbulent waves of life events, they’re still turned on and tuned in – with each other. As the founder and Chief Passion Curator for, Ande tastefully and playfully shares tips, tools and resources with women who want more sexual excitement in their lives. Ande is the host of After Dark Radio Show, where she helps couples stay tuned in through her engaging and informative conversations with sexperts and relationship experts.

An enthusiastic and experienced entrepreneur with an MBA and several successful businesses to her credit, Ande is enjoying a well-balanced life (really!) managing her growing business while raising two wonderful boys with her darling husband.


(Originally Published April 23, 2013)

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